Taking it all in as a teen

My life as a teen was so emotionally draining. As a young teenage female my body was already going through a physical change not to mention a hormonal change. On top of that I was beginning to take in the facts of being adopted. Then my heart started to hurt from the questions weighing deep in my brain. It can not be helped how an adoptee’s mind works. As I have stated before it does not matter how great the adopted parents may be a adoptee will still long to know why their mother, father or parents gave them up. As a teenager I felt very alone. I had no real identity. I did not resemble any of my family even though people would say ” you look just like your mom or dad”. I will post photos we all knew they were trying to make me feel better but it just made me feel worse. It may seem weird to some but I really did not try to do anything because I did not know what I should be good at. Once again that genetic word comes in. People do not realize how much genetics can play in your life. I had no idea of mine. I had no confidence in myself. I was very shy and very quiet. Maybe I should have talked to someone about my feelings. Would that have helped? I felt like nobody would understand. How could they? My brothers were blood related. My parents were not adopted. They constantly tried to act like all was normal. Maybe a little too much. I felt like if I told them I wanted to find my biological family it would only hurt them so I kept it to myself. There was a time that I might have heard that a boy was expected and they got a girl instead. I felt like such a disappointed to many. I did not want to try anything and I felt like I failed at everything I tried. When I look back on it I look at myself like a whole other person. I feel like I am telling people about a little girl that I once knew. I am no longer shy but back then I was. There are many things that went on in my teen years that I chose not to acknowledge to the public but it added to the pain I already had inside. My adopted parents love me there is no doubt in my mind now that they do. They just had their own problems of loving each-other. I was angry at the world and asked God what I did to make my own mother not want me then how could I make my new parents happier? Now I understand that I had no part in either situation but as a teen I did not. The thing about adoption is that the more people you chose to meet the more you relive your darkest moments. I feel like I have constantly been on this roller coaster. I have really good emotional times then I have really bad emotional times. That is why I think so many adoptees relate their lives to roller coasters. We have ups and downs but we come right back around and have the same ups and downs again. I know I have wanted off this roller coaster quite a few times. Jumping off is just not an option. I am not sure at what age but I searched high and low hoping to find my birth certificate. If I find that then I will surely know my birth parents. Well that came back and smacked me in the face. My birth certificate had my adopted parents names on it! What? How can this be? My whole life was a lie. That is what I thought back then but now that I am grown I get it for privacy reasons but back then it surely messed me up even more. As I will say over and over having the best adopted parents in the world could not fix the emotional heartache that I had. My adopted mom was more than a mom she took on the role for another women. She did not have to do that she wanted to and that is something that I have come to understand. She is an angel in my eyes now. When you are adopted or you adopt a child keep the communication about it very open. Hide nothing from each other. I personally feel an open adoption is the best. I had a closed one.