Going to a family function for the first time when everyone knows who you are but they are all strangers is extremely awkward. I went to a couple family gatherings with my birth mothers family. I did not ever grow close to most of the family. I have stayed close with my sister. I have also stayed close with one of my birth mother’s sister and her family. I have lived in different states since I found my birth mother. I had a terrible marriage. During this marriage most of my family did not even know where I was. I was ashamed of where I was most of the time. Sometimes they were just living their lives. The blame went both ways. I will take blame for what I should but not for what others did. Anyway I have not done that much with my birth mother. It has been awkward for the most part. I thought it was going to go a whole different way then it did. Another disappointment.The time I spent at her house was fun don’t get me wrong. Genetics are so strong. We have so many similarities but there are things we are really different on also. Like I said there are walls an adoptee can build around them to keep from getting hurt. They still manage to get hurt but we are constantly watching our back so to speak. I thought my childhood was an emotional roller coaster but it was nothing like the years to come with my new found family. The couple of times I stayed with my birth mother she would just stand there and stare at me. It made me feel so uncomfortable but I do understand why she did it. She also called me Christina which made me feel awkward as well. I believe it was her own way of dealing with the past. I later on asked her not to call me that. My adopted family gave me this name and they are my parents. Not to be cruel but it was her decision to give up rights like that. I tried to let the past go but I do not think I have ever been able to be with her and not have some kind of anger in me. I have gotten some blessings out of finding her. I can somewhat tell a doctor as well as my children what is in my family as far as medical issues. That is always a hurdle to get through with doctors if you do not know your medical background. This is another reason I think open adoption would be better. I believe my birth mother holds a lot of things in and they are somewhat killing her inside. I can not even imagine giving a child up. Adoption seems to be the thing in my birth family. I do not say that to be cruel but it is true. People that put their baby up for adoption sometime hide their pain very well. Shoot I have hid a lot of pain from the past for a long time. I have decided not to carry other people’s crosses. I have my own to carry. I do think some mothers that have given children up really did it because they believed in their heart that the child was better off. Maybe they are right in some sense. I do not agree though. I love my kids. They are part of me. My worse fear is losing one of them. I struggled with them but we did it together. I would not change my struggles for the world because they are my babies. I could not let anyone else take them. Even if the family had money and I did not. I personally know individuals that I love that gave their child up. They hurt inside. They have an emptiness that I can see. I am not saying people are wrong for giving a child up but I personally know what it feels like to be given up with no explanation. It feels like hell on earth. When I had my first child I felt even worse that my mom could carry me for 9 months then hand me over to strangers. This is the way an adoptee feels. I know in her own way she loves me but as a child growing up without answers it can really mess a kid up. I want to help others that have been adopted as well as mothers that feel the need to give up their child. It was not EASY being pregnant not knowing where I was going to sleep or where I was going to get my next meal. It was not EASY knowing that being a parent was my reality at a young age. It was not EASY knowing that I was pregnant with a piece of crap man’s child. God does not promise everything to be easy. What was EASY was loving that child and the two children after him. People are so quick to judge young mother’s. They do not even realize through their own ignorance that these young mothers are brave/unselfish individuals. They could have adopted out or now a days abortion is just another thing to some people because society says women have a choice to do whatever they want with their body. You know what we as women made a choice when we laid down with a man. My God is not okay with killing a child and either am I. What about the choice of a child either born or unborn. Society will never tell you that women that have abortions usually never get over it. They act on the outside like all is fine because society says it is okay but these women hurt deep. I am not saying women that chose adoption or abortion are bad but I wish you would not let society tell you what your choices are. When a women gets pregnant she is no longer just thinking about herself she is thinking about the real little life inside that deserves to live and have a choice. Your child is part of you. If you abort that child that is not the end. That memory will be with you forever. If you chose adoption that will be with you forever. It doesn’t just end. I just want women to think hard about what “choice” you are making and whom you are making it for. Is it for your baby, yourself or because society says it is okay.
-Elizabeth Casalaspro