Back in November of 2013 I received a message from my biological brother’s fiance’. I had messaged her on Facebook first instead of messaging my brother for the first time because I did not know how much he knew about me if anything. I had asked my birth mother about letting him know about me years earlier but she said she would have to ask his mother first. I got nowhere with that so later on I pursued him myself. You see his mother was the other women at the time my mom got pregnant so she had no interest in helping me. We were all adults at the time and she had long ago left my biological father but still refused to admit she knew about me. I will only write the facts. I no longer will sugar coat for no one. In my adoption so many people take on the role of the victim. It is amusing to me how they had choices in life but I did not yet they become the victim. You want to know who is a victim in my adoption? Let’s start with my grandparents on my Dad’s side. They never got to know me. I met them at their grave. I was so close to my adopted grandparents. I sought out my biological father to hopefully meet my grandparents but I only discovered more heartache as they had passed. The thing I beat myself over is the fact that I could have met my grandmother if only I had searched earlier. There are so many victims in this story. I absolutely love my great aunts as well as my first, second and third cousins. There is one person in particular that became just as much a victim in all this as myself and that is my Aunt Barb. I joke a lot about thinking she is my mom. Aunt Barb is the sister to my biological father. We actually did the DNA test just to PROVE to some in the family that I was really who I said I was. We matched so strongly that she might as well be my mom!
I call Aunt Barb a victim because she received a letter from my birth mother just before my father had gotten married to the “other” women. At the time it probably seemed like a bad plea to get my father back. My birth mother sent a birth certificate to her explaining that she had her brother’s baby and put him up for adoption. Yes you heard it right, him. My Aunt Barb is broken hearted and full of guilt over this. She did not believe it and did nothing about it. To this day she still sheds tears over that. She should never have been put in such a spot as that . Two people and two people only were responsible for this whole mess in so many lives but so many people suffered because of it. Aunt Barb is like an angel sent to me from God. I get so mad sometimes for being kept from her as well as others. I have to remind myself that I need to be thankful for having them in my life now. My kids are also victims of this. I have been a mess for years over this. I hate my birthday. I feel like I was a science project gone wrong. I really do not like holidays. My kids feel rejection over and over. Their biological father has nothing to do with them. His family does not either. Now my biological family on both sides are distant from them too. Like I said there are many that I am close to but far more that have distance themselves from my kids as well as myself.
Well I did get off the beaten track with this part of my life but I am being transparent and that is what I want this to be. There is a lot that happened in this part of my adoption story but I will try to get the main points out. I talked to my brother and we seemed to be okay so I thought. I wrote my biological father a letter to I guess reveal myself to him as his daughter in 2012. I did not get a response from him. I will leave the people’s names out but someone found that letter by accident and contacted me. I guess my father’s wife had her own suspicions about it and was checking it out herself. I to this day do not know what went through my father’s head when he got this letter. My birth mother said that one day she showed him my senior photo and said she just wants your medical information. She said “she has your sister’s smile.” I can only guess it spooked him. I never heard from him then and as of November 2013 he did not respond to my letter. I was not looking for anything but to find my brother and maybe my grandparents but I found so much more. It was as if I was on trial almost. A daughter and father are suppose to have this special bond. I read these poems all the time. I hear these special stories from daughters that their father is their everything. I do not know what happen in my life or what I did but I have never experienced that. I had two chances at that special bond in my life and I have been rejected twice. I am so blessed to have my godly father in heaven. I can not explain what it is like to not have a relationship with a Dad.
So the person that contacted me decided to approach my birth father. Surprised, busted or shocked I can not honestly tell you how he felt. It took him a while but he finally made a call to me. I believe in my heart he knew it was true that I was his daughter but I felt people still questioned me so Aunt Barb and I did the DNA in the spring of 2014. It was a hot match. My Aunt Barb had already called me several times. One day Aunt Barb was in a store and someone turned the screen of a computer around with my profile photo. This was before Aunt Barb knew anything. Let me tell ya in a small town word travels very quickly! They said this is your brother’s daughter! Well first of all Aunt Barb was told she had a nephew (supposedly) and the way she blurted it out shocked her to say the least! Another reason Aunt Barb is a victim in (MY) adoption. She has the biggest heart in the whole world! There is no one on earth like her! God threw away the mold when he created her. My adoption was a closed adoption so the birth record sent to her probably would not disclose my sex. I really despise closed adoptions. I strongly recommend open ones. My Aunt Barb organized a family meeting in the summer of 2014. I think my father and I should have met by ourselves for the first time. It was a very emotional meeting to say the least. I fell in love with Aunt Barb right away. I fell in love with her daughter and kids also. My step mom was very kind to me. I felt a huge distance from my birth father’s step daughter and his only other child my younger brother. I feel as if it was jealously. Some horrible things have been said to me from the two of them. You know I lost my whole family for years. I ca n never get that back. I was not coming in to take their Dad away. He was my dad the whole time. They got to grow up with him and create a strong bond. I almost have to earn his love. I had to forgive and work it out. Being adopted has so many challenges. We put up walls to keep from getting hurt. It can hurt every relationship that we have. Our adopted parents relationship, our adopted siblings relationship with us, our kids and most of all at times our spouse. I really hope I can help other adopted parents, adoptees as well as biological family with my story. My biological father still has not come and seen me here in Florida. He has not met my granddaughter either. I have went to Michigan many times before this darn pandemic. My grand daughter will be the next victim of the “rejected” feeling. I can only show her as much love as possible and be open to listening to her. My angel mom (my adopted mom) and my Aunt Barb help to keep my head above water. They are my glue. Thank God for them. My biological father does text me and sends cards as well as presents but what I would love more than anything is a father daughter bond. A bond I do not know I will ever get.
What is a Dad to me
A call away
A protector
A friend
A listening ear
A love like no other
A Dad.
-Elizabeth Casalaspro