There are so many ups and downs in adoption. As an adoptee, we do not choose to be adopted. However, we do choose to find our birth family or not find them. Those that are not adopted do not understand the need for us to find their birth family. We need to find our identity. The adopted family will feel offended. I think this is a natural human response. There is NO reason to feel offended, however. It usually has nothing to do with how loving of a family an adoptee has in the present.
I have recently encountered one of the many negative events that can happen to an adoptee. As I have explained in the past I do have two half brothers and one half sister from my birth side. I use half only so it is easier for the reader to comprehend but I really despised the term half with siblings. They are all my siblings. One particular sibling and I started off good then it went down hill fast. When an adoptee finds thier family it can cause so many emotions in so many individuals that are directly involved. Sometimes an adoption is a “dark family secret” or some may not have been told the truth from the get go. As in mine this particular sibling did not know about me. I had learned about them early on in my search. In all fairness I was their only blood sibling. I think it was a very hard adjustment to endure. I feel jealously in the end is what has divided us. They can not comprehend the amount of loss that I have suffered. They only see thier suffering. I believe the spouse has come between us. I never found MY family for what I could get out of it. I found them to know where I came from. My genetics especially and to figure out my identity finally! To be honest I had big hopes on meeting my grandparents because I had lost both sets on mine. Unfortunatly, I was a few years too late. That broke me heart in two to vistit them all for the first time at the cemetary. Not having a relationship with my father or grandparents was used against me for whatever motive I still have not figured out. I love all of my siblings regardless of the termoil we may or may not have had. So many adoptees compare their life to a rollercoaster. This is a perfect similarity.
I had thought that this sibling and I had come to an agreement that the past was the past so we were leaving it there. That however did not happen. I was so excited that this sibling invited me to their two graduates’ graduation party. The ability to attend my birth niece’s accomplishment party was a great honor to me. I received an invite to just one of the girls’ grad parties. They were having the two together. It did concern me some but I did not want it to be a case of mind over matter so I started looking for flights to attend. Then the rollercoaster of events came. I received a text from an in-law of my sibling. It was a very nasty and very hurtful text saying disregard the invite it was sent by accident because nobody wants me there. I chose to find this family. When I did that I knew it could be a big blessing or there was a possibility that I could be hurt. I have had both. I have family on my father’s side that has welcomed me in with open loving arms. For the most part, almost the whole family has. I can only guess why this particular group has now decided that I am nothing to them. There must be a big ugly lie floating around. It hurts deeply but to any adoptee out there you are worthy of love. Never let fear, jealousy or any other type of thing in your birth family make you think less of yourself. God gives us the tools to make it through trials and storms. Keep your head up. You are NOT the problem.
I hope this helps my fellow adoptees as well as birth family members. Do not be cruel. Most adoptees want nothing more than to find out where they came from. Be kind. Birth families a majority of the time the adoptee loves you with all of their hearts but you need to love them enough to support thier decision to find their birth families when it comes time. You need to be there for them if they end up hurt by this choice or if they end up receiving joy from it.
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